Big Wheel Of Karma Keeps On Rolling
Right over Kevin McCarthy and his herd of cats
Editor’s Note: Have a question about how to hijack the ship of state while stroking off your ego for four days straight on national television? You’re in the wrong Matt space – that would be Ask Matt Gaetz. Have any other questions? Send them to email@example.com.
Now that we (finally) have a new Speaker of the House, is it Morning in America again? Is it safe to come out? Or should I stay in bed until noon and sleep off this head splitting “democracy” hangover?
I suppose I should have been a dutiful blowhard and weighed in on the past week’s goat rodeo sooner. But I was otherwise occupied celebrating the two-year anniversary of January 6th. (I watched some “Stop The Steal” speeches on YouTube, then sacked my local CVS for some Relief Factor, the preferred pain reliever of insurrectionists.) “Never Forget!” as we pro-democracy squares say. Not to be confused with “Never Remember,” the means of observance for Kevin McCarthy and his herd of cats. Only one lonely Republican showed up for the commemoration on the House steps – Rep. Brian Fitzpatrick of Pennsylvania. I’m guessing the House ethics committee will deal with him swiftly, just as soon as they appoint their new chair, George Santos.
Besides, I figured all the other chatterboxes had the Speaker’s debacle pretty much covered. As per usual in these wildcard times, when every day is anything-can-happen day, their “expertise” proved next-to-useless, as nobody knows anything anymore until after it already occurs. Then they can set about retroactively explaining it, as though that were the inevitable outcome all along. (See the Red Wave that never barked, if you’re into mixed metaphors.)
Me? I don’t pretend congressional expertise, as that would require me to closely watch Congress, which isn’t my kink. It feels too dark, like being into self-mutilation, or necrophilia, or sexting with high school girls. Not unlike an evening at Matt Gaetz’s house, I imagine. And speaking of the man who puts the “cock” in Freedom Caucus – no easy feat considering all the competition (you’ll recall that Mark Meadows was a co-founding member) - regular readers here know that I have been anything but charitable to the undistinguished gentleman from Florida. His full-time, trollish, MAGAtude has brought out the very worst in me. I have called him everything from a man “who never met a dishonest argument he wouldn’t gleefully make” to a “low-sloping forehead,” which due to his forehead’s sheer size and scope, I re-christened a “low-sloping eighthead.” (I’m not proud, just honest.)
And yet, last week, Gaetz did the impossible: he made me root for him and the rest of his pirate cutthroats. For I couldn’t help but enjoy them as karmic delivery systems, humiliating Kevin McCarthy – or “My Kevin,” as Donald Trump calls his Starburst-sorter– even more than McCarthy already regularly and willingly humiliates himself.