Christmas Sale!!!

Slack Tide is 30 percent off through Christmas Day - what are you waiting for?

Often, when I’m lecturing in schools, churches, or prisons, I’m asked, “Matt, what’s your secret?” To which I dumbly reply, “What secret?” And that’s how you keep secrets. You don’t even acknowledge that you have them.

But the other day, I received a refreshing query that I could answer forthrightly. I was lecturing at Dua Lipa Elementary School, when a second-grader came up to me and asked, “Matt, can I call you Matt?” To which I said, “Absolutely not, call me ‘Mr. Labash.’ I’m a decorated veteran of the War on Illiteracy, so show some damn respect.” To which the second-grader said, “Very well, Mr. Labash. But is it possible for your rock-bottom subscription prices to get any lower?” I knelt down, looked little Zephyr in the eye, and said, “It’s funny you should ask, because I am having a Christmas sale right now. For new subscribers or gift subscriptions only. So if you’re an existing subscriber, don’t try to cancel your subscription and get the sale price, because it won’t work on Substack, and if you cause me that sort of accounting aggravation, I will hunt you down at recess and throw your tenderized, crate-raised carcass off the monkey bars, assuming your mollycoddling teachers still let you play on them.” To which little Zephyr said, “Thanks, Mr. Labash! I’ll sign up during my pillow-fort-making class. Which doesn’t require a lot of mental firepower.” (Zephyr is a sweet’n’smart kid, too good for this world.)

All of which is a long way around of telling you I’m having a 30 percent off Christmas sale. Don’t say it! I know what you’re thinking: “Matt, you already only charge us $5-a-month, or $50-a-year, the latter of which comes out to a mere $4.16 per month, or $4.17 if you’re a Negative Nelly and insist on rounding up.” Yes, this is true. Despite many subscribers telling me I should charge more, they’d be willing to pay it — (true story, and you masochists can always upgrade to founding member, where you can write your own preferred amount in and rectify your contribution shortfall) — I have not raised my prices once since launching this thing of ours in 2021, safeguarding your wallet, because I know everyone else is gouging you. But with an additional 30 percent off of an annual subscription (the sale does not apply to monthly subscriptions), we’re now talking a mere $35 for the first year, which breaks down to $2.91 per month. How little is $2.91 per month? That is less than the price of a McChicken sandwich. And unlike the McChicken, Slack Tide contains real white meat, not sawdust and glue.

Again, this applies to new or free subscribers who want to convert to paid subscriptions, or any subscriber (including existing paid subscribers) who want to buy a gift subscription for someone else. And with Christmas now breathing its hot breath down the back of your neck, stalking your consciousness like Laura Loomer trying to hitch a ride on Mr. Trump’s plane, what better way to get the gift monkey off your back than by buying your loved one a Slack Tide subscription? Or if you hate Slack Tide, but are for whatever reason compelled to buy your frenemy something, what better way to spite them than by doing the same? It’s a win for you either way.

The Christmas sale is running through Christmas Day itself, which is how JC told me he wanted to celebrate his birthday. (I am but a vessel for his will.) And while we were discussing it, he added that Jews and atheists are welcome, too. They can give Slack Tide as a Hanukkah or I-hate-God-gift. Just because diversity-and-inclusion might be dying in corporate America, doesn’t mean it is with JC. All comers are welcome.

So buy yourself —or someone you love/hate — a subscription worth having to a site that cares. Which I actually do. You might not always agree with me, but my solemn promise is that you will always get utmost honesty from me — hopefully in entertaining fashion — no matter which way it cuts. In an age populated by charlatans, demagogues, and unapologetic frauds in every direction, you need more honest-to-God truth in your life. Along with a fair helping of humanity to leaven it all. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what I do. That’s what you’ll get from a paid subscription, which gives you full access to every piece, plus the archive, plus the comments section, which is one of the most civilized in the business, where I regularly mix it up with readers, because I trust them and actually like them. (Also, I bounce the savages.) So subscribe for yourself or buy a gift subscription this Christmas, so we can keep doing what you need us to do. Otherwise, I might eventually have to get a real job. And nobody wants to see that. Least of all, prospective employers.

I’ll have another reminder of the sale in a few days, when I run an epic Christmas golden oldie, which you won’t want to miss behind the paywall. Until then, stay out of trouble, and Merry Christmas to all………

Bonus Track: As longtime readers know, I grew up in Texas fundy culture, and so came to hate contemporary Christian music with my whole heart, even if I always have and still love gospel music, as I detailed in my review of the old-timey gospel box, Goodbye Babylon. But every now and then, you have to revisit and revise old prejudices. And here’s a lovely contemporary holiday tune that crept up on me the other day, which I’d never heard, by Audrey Assad and Chris Tomlin, called “Winter Snow.” What can I say? The ear likes what it likes. Don’t argue with your own ears. You’ll always lose a fight that’s not worth waging.