Congratulations, Iran!
Donald Trump just got us rolled
I’ve tried not to read too much about Donald Trump’s ongoing Iran ordeal for the last month or so. Who has time? Not me. I’ve been too busy working my second job — selling sperm over the internet — in order to be able to afford to put gas in my car. (If you need a spare vial of Grade A genetics batter, write me at askmattlabash@gmail.com.) Also, I’ve been trying to shed my winter coat and get in summer slimdown shape to lay out by the Reflecting Pool on our 250th birthday. My new mankini is a hot little number — not unlike “the hottest country in the world,” in Trump’s demure phraseology — which I selected in bright green, to match the new algae blooms after his $14.6 million pool renovation. (The job was only supposed to cost $1.5 to $2 million, but no taxpayer outlay is too great to secure the finest incompetence money can buy.)
But finally, after 111 days of teases and false promises from Trump about his Iran Excursion’s imminent conclusion, we have a 14-point Memorandum of Understanding with everybody’s favorite theocracy. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Trump’s supposedly a great deal-maker. (Both he and his pom-pom squad in winger media have been telling us this since roughly 2015.)
However, I made the mistake of actually reading the MOU in its entirety. And as I said on Notes — a place I write when I have even less impulse control than I exhibit here — it’s a good thing Trump wasn’t around to negotiate with Hitler during WWII. Or Germany would’ve gotten to keep Austria, Poland, and France. And all we’d have gotten are gift cards for some Lederhosen and a few Wagner records. Trump couldn’t have gotten rolled any harder if he were a Skee-ball. He couldn’t even bomb a better deal out of them. Why’d we do this again? We’re supposed to celebrate the Strait being open, when it wasn’t closed, pre-Trump’s useless war? If Trump really wanted to drive a hard bargain, he’d hold a gun to Iran’s head, and demand they reinstate the Obama nuclear deal he tore up like a petulant child during his first term. But hindsight is 20/20, unless you’re Trump, and prefer to stay as blind to the past as you are to the future.
I want the war to be over, mind you, since it never should’ve started in the first place. But just how bad is it? Well, let me illustrate for you…..