Cover Up
Celebrity Insta-bitionists can't stop accosting us with their sexuality
Housekeeping/tech support: After several similar complaints from readers, an announcement is in order. If you’re a subscriber (paid or free), and a Gmail user, and have noticed that not all Slack Tide posts are showing up in your inbox, check your “promotions” folder, Gmail’s purgatorial netherworld that often mistakes your desirable inbox messages for interlopers. Once you’ve recovered whatever treasures were lost, you can turn off your promotions folder permanently. Just go to “settings” (the little gear icon in the upper right corner of your Gmail), then click “see all settings” (still on the right hand side of the page), then click “Inbox” in the tabs that will appear around the middle of the page. Uncheck your promotions box, save your changes, and you should never have to deal with this filthy algorithmic thief again.
Most mornings when I wake up, I reach over to my nightstand, and crack my laptop open to see how much further civilization has fallen during the hours in which I was visiting the Land of Nod. Inevitably, I’m greeted by heaving bosoms, pert derrieres, and acres of over-filtered, body-buttered, Botoxed flesh. I know what you’re thinking: “You fell asleep watching Pornhub again.”
Sorry, cynics. My wife doesn’t permit me to watch porn – she doesn’t want me getting any big ideas. And this isn’t traditional porn of the stiffened-giblets, glistening-nodules variety that Tom Wolfe referred to when describing one-handed magazines. (Now nearly extinct, but which have been replaced by roughly half the internet.) This is vanity porn. As in celebutantes and actresses and famous-for-being-famous exhibitionists - almost always over 40, most often over 50, and sometimes over 60 - frolicking about bikini’ed or scantily-clad or even tastefully birthday-suited, displaying their wares on social media to fish for compliments from strangers with handles like “UGoGrrrrl” and “HairyPalms,” who gush that they’re still pretty, and witty, and relevant.