Here, Kitty!
Can MAGA have a real catfight when the kittens declaw themselves?
I’ve never been much of an Epstein-ologist. As in Jeffrey Epstein. Not Juan Epstein, the Puerto Rican “Sweathog” from the 1970s sitcom, Welcome Back, Kotter. The latter of whose every move I followed religiously, going so far as to ask my mom to purchase this lunchbox. Though she stuck with Snoopy, clearly not wishing for me to fall in with the wrong crowd.
But Jeffrey Epstein always kind of bored me. You’ve seen one creepy defiler of adolescents, you’ve seen them all. It’s a story as old as time: Older men like to have sex with young women, sometimes, statutory minors. For them, the icky danger isn’t a drawback, but part of their twisted fun. It’s awful. It’s wrong. And it makes me feel disgusting even reading about it. Which is why, as sex scandals go, I’m more of a Diddy-ologist. Or a Puffonomist, as academics call it. Maybe because there’s a music angle, and I’m a musically-oriented guy. Or perhaps because I was a semi-regular at the Freak-Offs. Not that I ever saw anything incriminating – the baby oil got in my eyes, so I spent most orgies in the nurse’s office.
But I did spend the last few days saving up fire, when a MAGA catfight broke out between the MAGA-media intelligentsia, such as it is (in other words, people who typically lie a lot for a living), against MAGA administration officials (in other words, people who typically lie a lot for a living). The latter of whom were now telling the former of whom — some of the latter whoms having recently been the former whoms (such as Dan Bongino) — that there was no Epstein-pervert client list, there was no murder to investigate (they’re now maintaining he hanged himself, after souping up suspicions to the contrary for years), and not to worry their pretty little heads over it. Because even if it feels like a scandal today, this is, after all, the Trump Administration we’re talking about. So there will be four new scandals by next week. “Just sit tight, MAGAbots!,” their authority figures seemed to be saying, “He’ll manufacture more distractions, and we won’t have to be done in by our own cognitive dissonance!”
But this didn’t sit well with the base. Such a claim — largely attributed to Attorney General/Trump-fluffer Pam Bondi — is akin to asserting that JFK was killed by a lone gunmen, or that Trump was beaten like a rented mule in the 2020 election. An unforgivable breach of MAGA conspiracy etiquette.