Lost In The Woods
Republicans have lost their moral bearings, and don't care to find them
Back during the 2016 election cycle, when everyone’s favorite tangelo-flavored real estate developer was still considered an entertaining carny exhibit, as opposed to being the mortal threat to democracy he’d later prove, my then-editor asked me to write a story on Donald Trump’s Trumpiest historical moments. I happily obliged, just grateful to not have to write about Carly Fiorina or Jeb Bush.
So I went about detailing all the ways Trump cheated: on his wives, on his golf partners, on his mom’n’pop subcontractors whom he often stiffed. (Go populism!) I explored his failed, overhyped business ventures, like Trump Steaks. He billed his magical meats as the “world’s greatest,” proof positive being that they were sold in the Sharper Image catalog, where most connoisseurs go for their beef-buying needs. Or there was Trump Vodka, which had Trump once predicting the “T&T” (a Trump and tonic) would be “the most called-for cocktail in America.” That was before Trump-likker went the way of Trump Airlines and Trump Mortgage and Trump University.
I catalogued Trump’s glowing self-assessments, such as the passage in his book, Think Big & Kick Ass in Business and Life (actual title), in which Trump’s ghostwriter wrote: “I always think of myself as the best-looking guy and it is no secret that I love beautiful women. That is why I bought the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants. The women I have dated over the years could have any man they want; they are the top models and most beautiful women in the world. I have been able to date (screw) them all because I have something that many men do not have. I don’t know what it is…..” Gallantry? Modesty? A ten-figure net worth? Who can say why the heart wants what it wants?
But in all my Trump studies, what stuck with me most was a joke – one that was told in Trumpster circles and which was related to me by a Trump intimate. (I mean a platonic intimate, not a physical one like Marla Maples or Stormy Daniels or Jim Jordan.) Though I thought it captured the man’s essence, it is a little earthy, like Mr. Trump himself. So in the interest of me not personally corrupting America’s youth, I’ll let Trump’s business associate tell it:
So Donald Trump is riding in an elevator. The elevator doors open, and a gorgeous blonde steps in. She sees him, and says, "Oh my God, you're Donald Trump!
And he says, "Yes, I am."
And she says, "Can I suck your c&%k?"
And he says, "What's in it for me?"
All these years later, I am reminded of the joke, because it was essentially acted out over this past week. Except instead of a gorgeous blonde offering to don knee pads in the elevator, it was instead RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, and presidential aspirant Nikki Haley, and Minority Leader/Trump Starburst-sorter Kevin McCarthy doing so in public.