Trump's Parade of Horribles
Plus, what the Bible says about immigrants, a bluebirds-over-sparrows victory, and the loss of Sly Stone and Brian Wilson
Editor’s Note: Have a question about why Elon Musk is already reconciling with Trump just a week after saying he should be impeached/that Trump was in the Jeffrey Epstein files? Don’t ask Matt, ask Elon. It should be easy enough to get ahold of him since he’s on Xitter rougly 23.5 hours a day. (With a half-hour bathroom/ketamine break.) For all other questions, Ask Matt at askmattlabash@gmail.com.
Dear Matt,
Are you excited for the Trump birthday military parade orgy, and how will you celebrate?
Festively,
Melania K.
Well, it’s actually a pretty busy weekend for me. It’s Father’s Day, so I have to celebrate both my dad, and myself for being one, since the two sons I have (that I know of) are too lazy to celebrate me on their own. And as with our esteemed emperor, it is actually my birthday this weekend, as well (June 15). Trump, who spent years making fun of Joe Biden’s age, is turning 79 — a year older than Sleepy Joe was when he assumed office — while I remain 25 for the thirtieth year in a row. (Though I am an old soul.) If you feel morally obligated to send me an expensive bottle of Pappy, I completely understand, and my contact info is listed above.
Though looking over the unofficial itinerary for Trump’s long-anticipated Parade Day, it might be too interesting for me not to tune in. Some events I’m looking forward to: The Trump Big Mac eating contest, where MAHA enthusiasts gorge themselves silly on grease, fat, and Thousand-Island-slathered meat pucks, while their doctors stand by, insisting that they’re the healthiest athletes in history. The Mexican Dwarf Toss, where contestants dressed in ski masks, refusing to show ID, toss diminutive and suspicious-looking brown people as far as they can into a detention cell, without charging them, notifying their families, or letting them speak to a lawyer. And then, of course, there will be the January 6 Reenactment, where great patriots with red hats and Q tattoos will storm the Capitol, threaten to kill septuagenarian congresspersons, and will generally celebrate freeing our country from the tyranny of binding election results/rule of law.
Only kidding, sort of. I mean, those events aren’t officially on the docket. But they’re all spectacles that have essentially occurred under our aspiring dictator, who like other dictators the world over (some of whom he has exchanged “love letters” with), thinks that politicizing our military and parading soldiers and hardware through the streets makes him the winner of a dick-measuring contest. And in a sense, it does. Not of how big of one he has, but how big of one he is.