I am obviously very behind on reading your Slack Tides, but I want you to know that as I was going through my emails deleting old ones from all the news sites I subscribe to, I did NOT delete any of yours because I knew I would enjoy them so much when I finally got to them. And I did enjoy this so much! I'm glad I subscribed--you make me laugh and also make me think.
It took me reading the comments to "get" numbers 1, 2, and 3 meal preparation you and your wife do before getting out of bed. A little slow this morning! Very funny.
And I like the idea of having an advice column once in a while with questions sent in by your readers. Here's one I have after reading a piece by a person who frequently writes rants about the outrageousness of the language used by woke liberals:
Dear Matt,
How should I respond to people going on at length about how insulting it is to call people "Latinx" while I am watching repeated videos of the Jan. 6 tourists visiting the Capitol building to have a confab with Mike Pence?
It's a small thing, but I laughed at "dawn's crack," rather than "the crack of dawn." I assume that was to evoke the crack we see when the plumber bends over
Look, you are my favorite new writer. I even looked at the subscribe button ($50 minimum). Look, I'm gonna let you finish, but that is 5 times more than I just paid for a yearly WaPo subscription. So... when the paywall goes up...
Nevertheless, this is the funniest thing I've read in a while: "my wife and I like to start the day at dawn’s crack by stuffing the turkey, forking the pie crusts, and candying the yams. After that, we usually get out of bed, then begin preparing dinner." But you are probably in some kind of trouble. Also the bit about Chulo... you are probably in some kind of trouble.
And because I USED to be a blogger/writer, I have to share my Thanksgiving horror. Completely minding my own business, after the main event, contemplating how drunk I can get, my F-in-L walks up to out of the blue, and starts asking me if "Quon" means something in names, as in Saquon, Ta'quon (there was another, can't remember). My daughter was watching me throughout this exchange, and she started laughing right at me as my face went through all the stages of grief at once before settling on horror before returning to measured neutrality. My wife immediately starts riffing on the SNL Adele Thankgiving Skit (look it up on YouTube). When I finally find my words, I say, "Maybe I won't put this story on Twitter." Out of nowhere, my Brother-in-Law pops into the room, "Thank you!"
This line nearly killed me: “We fill their plates, and to avoid any dysfunctional episodes, implement a strict no-talking rule. Instead, we turn on the television, and silently watch the Detroit Lions get slaughtered, much like the Indians were slaughtered shortly after the first Harvest Festival, thus bringing the day full circle, as pie is served.”
Happy thanksgiving to you and your family, Matt! I’m adding Slack Tide to the list of things I’m thankful this year. I’m appreciative of the good writing, humor, thoughtfulness, and even the fishing hot takes.
And I'm appreciative of good readers, who suspend disinterest in a particular subject to just go down the chute with you, wherever it goes. The best kind. Happy Thanksgiving right back at you.
Well since the Master Carver Pap Pap John passed you have had Chulo. I am sure that ICE would love to have a seat at your dinner table tomorrow. As you know I do have connections.
Being an old man "prior to getting out of bed" does your fork stay stiff enough while I'm stuffing the turkey and all that giblet stuff?
Next is your beautiful and loving wife aware that you discussed your pre thanksgiving rituals in this forum?
Next I demand you retract all offerings herein of Harvest whatever BS you used. If not friends of mine with the NRA may visit your humble abode. It is Thanksgiving!
All kidding aside. Another awesome over the top article. Your humor is absolutely on point.
Please tell the clan that "both of us" wish all a very Happy Matt Induced Harvest BS Day!
….Okay, got it. What’s number 4? Is that the traditional Thanksgiving myth that there’s some universal language of friendship and brotherhood? To avoid a regrettable juxtaposition, we’d then have to move “cheat and steal from [fill in blank with victims de l’année]” down to at least #6. We can’t really put “Slaughter the [Detroit] Lions” at #5 (see “regrettable juxtaposition”, above—plus it’d require tinkering with the Holy NFL Thanksgiving Day Schedule.
Maybe we move the Universal Friendship and Brotherhood myth to just before the Post-prandial Soporific Wave, where it can be used as an introduction to Uncle Joe’s Stentorian Snoring Sofa Sonata in G minor (Opus 7), which of course always follows the Soporific Wave. That leaves us with multiple options for the lying, cheating, and stealing, which is good, since simple justice calls for spreading those out evenly amongst the ‘Peantogig kah asquam Quinnuppegig’ (the Pathetic Unconverted), anyway.
Okay, this gives us a good start. I’ll get back to you with more from the Ad Hoc Committee for the Orderly Implementation of Thanksgiving Traditions after the next meeting.
4. Unchain my uncle from the radiator in the cellar. And empty his waste bucket. He's entitled to a nice Thanksgiving, just like the rest of us. We can lock him back up on November 26.
lol. Okay…er, wait—we don’t have an uncle chained up in the basement. How about we let crazy Aunt Edith sit at the grown-ups table this year instead of with the kiddos? Might be for the best, considering that last year, she let my brother’s twins, Maddie and Marli, make her a “holiday mask” with the mashed potatoes.
It’s interesting that on the face, potato muck softens and smooths the skin and makes one look younger, while on the scalp (presumably), it promotes hair growth. I could see Aunt Edith growing a full beard, which might still be an improvement, actually, since her state ID photo looks like a snapshot of Joe Garagiola’s old catcher’s mitt.
I am obviously very behind on reading your Slack Tides, but I want you to know that as I was going through my emails deleting old ones from all the news sites I subscribe to, I did NOT delete any of yours because I knew I would enjoy them so much when I finally got to them. And I did enjoy this so much! I'm glad I subscribed--you make me laugh and also make me think.
It took me reading the comments to "get" numbers 1, 2, and 3 meal preparation you and your wife do before getting out of bed. A little slow this morning! Very funny.
And I like the idea of having an advice column once in a while with questions sent in by your readers. Here's one I have after reading a piece by a person who frequently writes rants about the outrageousness of the language used by woke liberals:
Dear Matt,
How should I respond to people going on at length about how insulting it is to call people "Latinx" while I am watching repeated videos of the Jan. 6 tourists visiting the Capitol building to have a confab with Mike Pence?
It's a small thing, but I laughed at "dawn's crack," rather than "the crack of dawn." I assume that was to evoke the crack we see when the plumber bends over
Look, you are my favorite new writer. I even looked at the subscribe button ($50 minimum). Look, I'm gonna let you finish, but that is 5 times more than I just paid for a yearly WaPo subscription. So... when the paywall goes up...
Nevertheless, this is the funniest thing I've read in a while: "my wife and I like to start the day at dawn’s crack by stuffing the turkey, forking the pie crusts, and candying the yams. After that, we usually get out of bed, then begin preparing dinner." But you are probably in some kind of trouble. Also the bit about Chulo... you are probably in some kind of trouble.
And because I USED to be a blogger/writer, I have to share my Thanksgiving horror. Completely minding my own business, after the main event, contemplating how drunk I can get, my F-in-L walks up to out of the blue, and starts asking me if "Quon" means something in names, as in Saquon, Ta'quon (there was another, can't remember). My daughter was watching me throughout this exchange, and she started laughing right at me as my face went through all the stages of grief at once before settling on horror before returning to measured neutrality. My wife immediately starts riffing on the SNL Adele Thankgiving Skit (look it up on YouTube). When I finally find my words, I say, "Maybe I won't put this story on Twitter." Out of nowhere, my Brother-in-Law pops into the room, "Thank you!"
Thanksgiving.
I’m glad to have found you again! And very happy to subscribe!
Best to you!
You’re my new fave!
Happy Thanksgiving, Matt. Thanks for putting a smile on my face just when I need it! 👊🏼
You are so danged funny. I laughed till I cried...thank you .
If I think of a good question, I will send you one...lol
This line nearly killed me: “We fill their plates, and to avoid any dysfunctional episodes, implement a strict no-talking rule. Instead, we turn on the television, and silently watch the Detroit Lions get slaughtered, much like the Indians were slaughtered shortly after the first Harvest Festival, thus bringing the day full circle, as pie is served.”
This was hilarious, Matt! I laughed so hard my eyes went shut. Laughter really is good medicine.
Sorry about dodging you at Thanksgiving. I hope the Cracker Barrel was up to your exacting standards.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Happy thanksgiving to you and your family, Matt! I’m adding Slack Tide to the list of things I’m thankful this year. I’m appreciative of the good writing, humor, thoughtfulness, and even the fishing hot takes.
And I'm appreciative of good readers, who suspend disinterest in a particular subject to just go down the chute with you, wherever it goes. The best kind. Happy Thanksgiving right back at you.
I wish the Labash Family and the Slack Tide community a Happy (and safe) Thanksgiving.
Thanks highperformance. Back at you.......
Well since the Master Carver Pap Pap John passed you have had Chulo. I am sure that ICE would love to have a seat at your dinner table tomorrow. As you know I do have connections.
Being an old man "prior to getting out of bed" does your fork stay stiff enough while I'm stuffing the turkey and all that giblet stuff?
Next is your beautiful and loving wife aware that you discussed your pre thanksgiving rituals in this forum?
Next I demand you retract all offerings herein of Harvest whatever BS you used. If not friends of mine with the NRA may visit your humble abode. It is Thanksgiving!
All kidding aside. Another awesome over the top article. Your humor is absolutely on point.
Please tell the clan that "both of us" wish all a very Happy Matt Induced Harvest BS Day!
Do not mention Chulo to ICE!
1. Stuff turkey.
2. Fork the pie crusts.
3. Candy the yams.
….Okay, got it. What’s number 4? Is that the traditional Thanksgiving myth that there’s some universal language of friendship and brotherhood? To avoid a regrettable juxtaposition, we’d then have to move “cheat and steal from [fill in blank with victims de l’année]” down to at least #6. We can’t really put “Slaughter the [Detroit] Lions” at #5 (see “regrettable juxtaposition”, above—plus it’d require tinkering with the Holy NFL Thanksgiving Day Schedule.
Maybe we move the Universal Friendship and Brotherhood myth to just before the Post-prandial Soporific Wave, where it can be used as an introduction to Uncle Joe’s Stentorian Snoring Sofa Sonata in G minor (Opus 7), which of course always follows the Soporific Wave. That leaves us with multiple options for the lying, cheating, and stealing, which is good, since simple justice calls for spreading those out evenly amongst the ‘Peantogig kah asquam Quinnuppegig’ (the Pathetic Unconverted), anyway.
Okay, this gives us a good start. I’ll get back to you with more from the Ad Hoc Committee for the Orderly Implementation of Thanksgiving Traditions after the next meeting.
I think maybe Mr. Labash may been using an euphemism for items 1, 2. and 3. in this comment for something else, but I can't prove it.
4. Unchain my uncle from the radiator in the cellar. And empty his waste bucket. He's entitled to a nice Thanksgiving, just like the rest of us. We can lock him back up on November 26.
lol. Okay…er, wait—we don’t have an uncle chained up in the basement. How about we let crazy Aunt Edith sit at the grown-ups table this year instead of with the kiddos? Might be for the best, considering that last year, she let my brother’s twins, Maddie and Marli, make her a “holiday mask” with the mashed potatoes.
The twins might be onto something. Potatoes are good moisturizers:
https://www.bebeautiful.in/all-things-skin/everyday/how-to-use-potatoes-for-good-skin-and-hair
It’s interesting that on the face, potato muck softens and smooths the skin and makes one look younger, while on the scalp (presumably), it promotes hair growth. I could see Aunt Edith growing a full beard, which might still be an improvement, actually, since her state ID photo looks like a snapshot of Joe Garagiola’s old catcher’s mitt.
Just make sure Aunt Edith doesn't get any potato mask on her back. That could get ugly.
I am still wiping away the tears. That was awesome advice Matt. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving
Sounds almost as much fun as preparing a turkey for a family of (mostly) vegans, which is my usual role!
Solution: deep-fried tofurkey.
Laughter is the best medicine. Thank you, that was fun. Let's do it again next year, you know, if we still have a country and free speech.