Ha! I had forgotten about Glass tbh. What a great piece. Thanks for posting it in its entirety. It had it all. What a great reminder to read Fly Fishing with Darth Vader ASAP. You just know it's gonna be hilarious.
Good Lord Matthew. A G-Man you are not. Comic fodder for your wife kids and Betty you are. I love this column from beginning to end as you see thru your eyes how much the normal guy and girl on the street really do not care. Just like the microwave though the technology has become something nice to setting we need. God help us all.
Ok...first things first. There is practically no end of humor that Matt can squeeze out of GG. It's like humor caffeine followed by a half gram of coke for add-on jokes. (Seriously, I know nothing about cocaine from experience.) How many ways can one make fun of such a frightening invention? Also, is this just a modern version of the glasses that can see through women's clothing? I almost bought a pair of those in the late 60s (onset of puberty) when they were advertised in bubblegum/baseball card wrappers. First of all, Sartre wrote a play called No Exit. Once you wear GG, that is your destiny. Second, once you wear GG you will constantly plagued with questions about the value of your life compared to human life...you know, like Data. He realized the dilemma of his optimal powers that were far greater than human's, but he wanted to love, have humor, and worry about stuff. With GG, you'd be bound to Data's same existential travail. Third, I would bet all my earthly possessions that porn would make it's way into GG. It's like water seeking the lowest level. Nothing has stopped it yet. Last but not least, if you wanted to close-out your complete Google account using GG you'd instantly become a hologram for eternity. It's Google's version of purgatory. Which means someone would have to pay tithes to Google to eventually get you to Google heaven. I think that's the place you become an app.
Aug 13, 2022·edited Aug 14, 2022Liked by Matt Labash
Okay, Glass, the portion of my brain that isn't its third half wants to know how do you say "Laughing my ass off" in Mandarin? Which is apparently about the most difficult language to learn and use, according to The Great All-Knowing G, from whose realm I've just returned to pose that question. (I was guessing the toughest would be maybe Sanskrit or Urdu or the like. But that just goes to show how much smarter a bunch of 0s and 1s are than I am.)
For clarity's sake, I suppose I should say I'm referring to the earthly All-Knowing G, the One whose portal is at the top of this screen, not the One whose portal is a bit higher up, and from whose realm my return would be unlikely, if I'm lucky enough to ever set foot there in the first place.
Glass, Google, Gmail, Gigabytes...3G, 4G, 5G... good old-fashioned God. It's gettin' kind of hard to tell all these G-players apart without a program, as the ascendency of the former and their like in importance and presence in our lives is steadily displacing that of the latter. And if the current day Google X types keep at it, at some point those Gs' distinctions may all become so blurred we'll no longer be able to tell the difference and know who's really in charge. Unless we have an election or something to settle the matter. But then the Russians would probably just interfere, and some ner-do-well from Apple would proclaim it to be stolen if they didn't like the results.
Meantime, I'll just stick with my old school Yahoo! inbox and my old school flip phone. I'm old (and old school) enough I don't give a damn about how old school that makes me look in some younger whippersnappers' eyes. I've stalwartly resisted getting an expensive new phone that's smarter than I am just on principle, if nothing else. Was gonna' go down fightin'... hold out to the bitter end, old school style. And that's apparently paid off, since with little time left before my current 3G relic functionally becomes no more than a half-assed flashlight, an unsolicited package arrived through UPS just the other day.
Seems Verizon has sent me a brand-spanking-new 4G-flavored flip phone. From which I can continue to not Google, not Tweet, not text and not be connected to my 5000 closest friends on Facebook, forestalling my fate as a thumb-pounding hunchback a bit longer. Being a slouch-backed-couch-potato-hunt & peck-key-tapper is bad enough.
And... it was free to boot. (Sound of brief drumroll and half-muted hi-hat stroke.)
Thank God for small favors (and victories), whenever and wherever we might find them.
Hello bretheren and sisteren, I too am a Glasshole. I was enjoying the sun and sand in Aruba in 2014 when the Gmail invite appeared and as quickly as the sun sets on the shortest day of the year, my wallet was relieved of the $1,500 plus tax. To add insult to the injury that was about to happen, to up the game I had my optometrist fashion me prescription lenses to swap out the originals. All in or else. Perhaps it was my overly optimistic expectations that miracles would soon appear in front of my eyes, but disappointment set in rather quickly. The now bricked Palm Pilot that sits in a draw (what's the code for Early Adapter Syndrome in the DSM?) offered more utility - it could be a paperweight! I held a fairly senior position on the job so the one day I wore it at work, I felt the stifled laughter behind my back as I closed the door to my office, wondering if I ever would regain command presence over the cubicle denizens. So sorry Google (or Alphabet), your contraption was relegated to a certain box in the loft where it still resides to this day. Perhaps someone might actually want it for some reason - which would only be another proof that Barnum was right.
Aug 13, 2022·edited Aug 13, 2022Liked by Matt Labash
PS: that ibrows and iballs cracked me up, I laughed out loud and startled the cats...lol
PPS: long piece but worth it...I meant to check the clock and see how long it took me...just to see if I still read as fast as I used to...lol...I think about 40 minutes...
Aug 13, 2022·edited Aug 13, 2022Liked by Matt Labash
I use yahoo and have no real complaints, I do pay $5 a month to keep the annoying ads off my mail page.
I have a gmail addy, but it is a throw away for people/places where I need an email, but, I don't want them to know my actual email....lol
I actually do like chrome and it's password and other information saving that is pretty secure and i don't have to remember 200 passwords and type in things like my address constantly...lol...
Though I also have a flip phone , not a smart phone, and do everything on my laptop or desktop at work. I would not like Glass for a multitude of reasons...
That article was so long it got "clipped" by gmail, another annoyance. I actually like gmail because it's so easy to filter messages and create folders. Here is another fix: 1. Check the square box to the left of the Matt Labash email, 2. click on the three dots at the top of your inbox messages, 3. click on "Filter Messages like these," 4. Click on "Create Filter," 5. Check the "Categorize as" and select "Primary" and finally, click on the box "Create Filter." Voila! Problem is fixed and you don't need to go to Yahoo and learn a new email platform.
Thank you for this wonderful edition of Slack Tide. Apparently I should be embarrassed for still using AOL Mail. I’m not.
Matt, what flip phone do you have? I ask because I'm very seriously considering going back to a "dumb" phone.
Ha! I had forgotten about Glass tbh. What a great piece. Thanks for posting it in its entirety. It had it all. What a great reminder to read Fly Fishing with Darth Vader ASAP. You just know it's gonna be hilarious.
Good Lord Matthew. A G-Man you are not. Comic fodder for your wife kids and Betty you are. I love this column from beginning to end as you see thru your eyes how much the normal guy and girl on the street really do not care. Just like the microwave though the technology has become something nice to setting we need. God help us all.
Thank goodness that they were check out glass because I didn’t care to check in!
But, Merle Haggard was the best! I could listen to that great voice all day long!
The absolute PERFECT song for this entry has to be Merle Haggard's, "Are the Good Times Really Over?" https://youtu.be/sIKUkcNeZfQ
Ok...first things first. There is practically no end of humor that Matt can squeeze out of GG. It's like humor caffeine followed by a half gram of coke for add-on jokes. (Seriously, I know nothing about cocaine from experience.) How many ways can one make fun of such a frightening invention? Also, is this just a modern version of the glasses that can see through women's clothing? I almost bought a pair of those in the late 60s (onset of puberty) when they were advertised in bubblegum/baseball card wrappers. First of all, Sartre wrote a play called No Exit. Once you wear GG, that is your destiny. Second, once you wear GG you will constantly plagued with questions about the value of your life compared to human life...you know, like Data. He realized the dilemma of his optimal powers that were far greater than human's, but he wanted to love, have humor, and worry about stuff. With GG, you'd be bound to Data's same existential travail. Third, I would bet all my earthly possessions that porn would make it's way into GG. It's like water seeking the lowest level. Nothing has stopped it yet. Last but not least, if you wanted to close-out your complete Google account using GG you'd instantly become a hologram for eternity. It's Google's version of purgatory. Which means someone would have to pay tithes to Google to eventually get you to Google heaven. I think that's the place you become an app.
Okay, Glass, the portion of my brain that isn't its third half wants to know how do you say "Laughing my ass off" in Mandarin? Which is apparently about the most difficult language to learn and use, according to The Great All-Knowing G, from whose realm I've just returned to pose that question. (I was guessing the toughest would be maybe Sanskrit or Urdu or the like. But that just goes to show how much smarter a bunch of 0s and 1s are than I am.)
For clarity's sake, I suppose I should say I'm referring to the earthly All-Knowing G, the One whose portal is at the top of this screen, not the One whose portal is a bit higher up, and from whose realm my return would be unlikely, if I'm lucky enough to ever set foot there in the first place.
Glass, Google, Gmail, Gigabytes...3G, 4G, 5G... good old-fashioned God. It's gettin' kind of hard to tell all these G-players apart without a program, as the ascendency of the former and their like in importance and presence in our lives is steadily displacing that of the latter. And if the current day Google X types keep at it, at some point those Gs' distinctions may all become so blurred we'll no longer be able to tell the difference and know who's really in charge. Unless we have an election or something to settle the matter. But then the Russians would probably just interfere, and some ner-do-well from Apple would proclaim it to be stolen if they didn't like the results.
Meantime, I'll just stick with my old school Yahoo! inbox and my old school flip phone. I'm old (and old school) enough I don't give a damn about how old school that makes me look in some younger whippersnappers' eyes. I've stalwartly resisted getting an expensive new phone that's smarter than I am just on principle, if nothing else. Was gonna' go down fightin'... hold out to the bitter end, old school style. And that's apparently paid off, since with little time left before my current 3G relic functionally becomes no more than a half-assed flashlight, an unsolicited package arrived through UPS just the other day.
Seems Verizon has sent me a brand-spanking-new 4G-flavored flip phone. From which I can continue to not Google, not Tweet, not text and not be connected to my 5000 closest friends on Facebook, forestalling my fate as a thumb-pounding hunchback a bit longer. Being a slouch-backed-couch-potato-hunt & peck-key-tapper is bad enough.
And... it was free to boot. (Sound of brief drumroll and half-muted hi-hat stroke.)
Thank God for small favors (and victories), whenever and wherever we might find them.
Hello bretheren and sisteren, I too am a Glasshole. I was enjoying the sun and sand in Aruba in 2014 when the Gmail invite appeared and as quickly as the sun sets on the shortest day of the year, my wallet was relieved of the $1,500 plus tax. To add insult to the injury that was about to happen, to up the game I had my optometrist fashion me prescription lenses to swap out the originals. All in or else. Perhaps it was my overly optimistic expectations that miracles would soon appear in front of my eyes, but disappointment set in rather quickly. The now bricked Palm Pilot that sits in a draw (what's the code for Early Adapter Syndrome in the DSM?) offered more utility - it could be a paperweight! I held a fairly senior position on the job so the one day I wore it at work, I felt the stifled laughter behind my back as I closed the door to my office, wondering if I ever would regain command presence over the cubicle denizens. So sorry Google (or Alphabet), your contraption was relegated to a certain box in the loft where it still resides to this day. Perhaps someone might actually want it for some reason - which would only be another proof that Barnum was right.
And here's a little dystopian music for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=555jxltr9Zo
PS: that ibrows and iballs cracked me up, I laughed out loud and startled the cats...lol
PPS: long piece but worth it...I meant to check the clock and see how long it took me...just to see if I still read as fast as I used to...lol...I think about 40 minutes...
AAG! Anarchists Against Google. Proudly.
Liked the Debussy/Davis quote and Merle’s song - hadn’t heard it in a very long time. Thank you for them.
I use yahoo and have no real complaints, I do pay $5 a month to keep the annoying ads off my mail page.
I have a gmail addy, but it is a throw away for people/places where I need an email, but, I don't want them to know my actual email....lol
I actually do like chrome and it's password and other information saving that is pretty secure and i don't have to remember 200 passwords and type in things like my address constantly...lol...
Though I also have a flip phone , not a smart phone, and do everything on my laptop or desktop at work. I would not like Glass for a multitude of reasons...
I use AOL... it comes with a free CD to install.
Matt, another potential swag item, "Colonel Clink" monocles, for the Slack Tide store. Sign me up.
That article was so long it got "clipped" by gmail, another annoyance. I actually like gmail because it's so easy to filter messages and create folders. Here is another fix: 1. Check the square box to the left of the Matt Labash email, 2. click on the three dots at the top of your inbox messages, 3. click on "Filter Messages like these," 4. Click on "Create Filter," 5. Check the "Categorize as" and select "Primary" and finally, click on the box "Create Filter." Voila! Problem is fixed and you don't need to go to Yahoo and learn a new email platform.